Sunday, September 15, 2013

Sh*t People Say to Writers

Last Sunday, my local newspaper wrote a story about me...and my writing...and stuff. Those of you who have followed my blog for a while know that I used to be very, very secretive about writing. I never talked about it. So this week was WEIRD and awkward and generally hard for me, but on the bright side, I FINALLY get to write this post! I've always wanted to. :)

So you wrote a book?
Actually, I've written five novel-length works. The first one will never, ever see the light of day. I queried the second one and found my agent with it (YAY!), but it never made it past acquisitions. I also wrote a (very bad) sequel to it that clocked in around 200K (LOLZ). I wrote a standalone Norse-inspired fantasy about wolves and hot chocolate and losing your first love, which I'm planning to revise. Then I wrote this one, which sold. And I'm currently working on a few projects--

Like, a novel? Fiction or nonfiction? Wait, what are you doing? Why are you poking me?
I'm trying to edit your redundancy, but your "delete" button seems to be broken.

How many pages is your fiction novel?
OH MY--*breathes* never mind. And I don't know. 51,000 words. Ish.

What is your book about?

BONUS: What is your book about (old church ladies edition)
It's about fornication and drinking and drugs and abortion and basically what your grandson/granddaughter does on weekends, except I'm not going to tell you that because I'm afraid you'll have a literal heart attack.

Childhood, ma'am. It's about childhood and growing up. *insert smile and innocent head-tilt*

So how much did you have to, like, pay for them to publish this book?
Actually, in traditional publishing, the publishing house gives you money for the--

What?! How much did you make?
Good question. Would you like to know how much I weigh, too?

Dude, I wish I had the time to write a book.
What? What is this time thing that you speak of?

What's your book called?
Um, I can't tell you right now. I went through a title change, and the new title is still confidential. Hopefully I can share soon, though!

Whatever. You just don't want us to buy it, do you?
I actually really, really want you to buy it, because your money will trickle down to me. And I do like money an awful lot.

Okay, so can I read it now?

But you need someone to read it! What if it sucks?
Gee, that isn't the stuff of my nightmares or anything.

Am I in your book?
Oh, honey. Would I really tell you if you were?

Can I be in your next book?
Sure. I'll kill you brutally within the opening pages. I'll even let you choose your own method of death. Sound good? (but if I DO put you in a book and you don't like what you read, remember this conversation, kay? xoxoxo).

Well, can I be in the movie?
On the teensy chance that they make a

Do you know J.K. Rowling?
Yup. We had lunch the other day.

Why did you write a book about suicide? You're not suicidal, are you?
No, but once I wrote a fantasy about a world at war and a girl who kills people, and I'm not homicidal.

I'd like to write a novel. How does it work? Can you tell your publisher to buy my book?
Well. I can tell you that it DOESN'T work like that. First you have to write a novel and edit the unmerciful suck out of it. And after it's nice and pretty and polished, you have to slug through the query trenches and hope you find an agent who loves it enough to sub it for you, and then you have to hope that an editor loves it enough to invest money and time and tears and sweat and passion into it.

So...YA magical realism? That's like Twilight, isn't it?

Why won't you answer any of our questions? You won't even tell us what the title is. Stop being so stuck up about it.
Eek! I don't mean to come off that way--but I've never really talked about my writing with people, and this makes me feel so incredibly uncomfortable that I've pretty much depleted what little social ability I have. But I really can't tell you the title!

Geez, you talk about this so often. You sound so stuck up.
But--YOU ASKED! I don't mean to sound stuck up! But this is something I'm genuinely and overwhelmingly happy about, and I'm sorry if I'm doing something to make you misinterpret this. But I AM proud of myself, I DO love writing, and sometimes it's hard not to smile like an idiot about it.



  1. I want to hug you. I get this stuff all the time, and it's so annoying sometimes. Other times, I know the person is genuinely interested and knows nothing about writing so they're just curious. Those people, I'm less sarcastic with.

  2. Sounds like fun. Wishing you luck. :P

  3. Argh, yes. Annoying. But that GIF at the end is just...awesome. I'm just going to like that pin forever.